there comes a point in time where you just can't fucking deal with it
and you think you can just brush it over,
smooth it all out
but it just comes back up
creases
fuck
fuck this

When your everything becomes nothing and your nothing becomes everything. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Lol we're 16, naive, quick to judge and looking for the easier way out. We're all learning and growing and at the same time breaking apart - piece by piece. But it's always ok in the end... most of the time. We'll eventually learn to trust our friends, not be so quick to assume, not to fall into temptation, not to put others down to make ourselves feel better, not be so emotional. One day. But for now - this is teenage life. So let's deal with it the best we can by making sure OURSELVES are okay first. Not okay... just in line with our values i guess? We're learning... but heck we need to open our eyes. Jayne you need to open your eyes. 

- December 18th 2013 -

Crazy crazy crazy. One and a half years later and half of it still seems so relevant. Helllllo everyone. What a crazy few months... 

And this is why I am scared of silence and it's power to engulf me whole and broken. 

So i've been sitting here on my bedroom floor the past hour thinking about my life. I really don't know where to start and how to start. But amidst my more than extreme tired and completely mindless state between yesterday night and the early hours of this day - I wanted to write down the many promises I made with myself and those around me to make sure I was accountable. The first one. Stay clean of anything until end of HSC year. Next, don't try and make things bigger than they actually are. Also don't force things. Things happen as they will. Don't expect things to happen. Expectation is the root of all heartache. Don't let heartache tear you down. Don't let things that want to tear you down... tear you down. Put up a good fight. Don't put yourself into a slump knowing you won't be able to get out of it. Don't cry because you feel shit. Instead tell yourself to stop being an emotional wreck and man the hell up. Focus on things that make you happy - your friends that respect and care for you, good weather, good music and seek self satisfaction from things that noone else knows about but yourself. Don't tell people you're fine unless you are actually fine. Don't tell me people you're not fine if you're actually fine. Don't be useless. Enough dont's. Be productive. Be rational. Be emotional. Be a little naughty when you feel like it. Be stupid. Make mistakes. Go down the road that tells you you're going to get hurt. Expect to not get hurt. But expect to be hurt. Cry it out when you feel shit. No don't do that. Be happy. Be grateful. Be pure. Be yourself and don't let others get in your way. Don't let others dictate your own happiness. Let others make you happy. Focus. Focus on that one point. Focus and you'll see that meaningless things can become meaningful. Who knows right? 

You see... my life is just a massive contradiction in itself. But i'm okay with it.

1) Happy birthday Brooke Cao. I love you so much. You are my serious ball of sunshine. I love you!!!! I can't express the amount of times you've made me happy and smile and laugh when i've had such a bad day. Or the times we joke about the most useless things, pig out together, talk seriously about anything. Everytime I talk to you I learn something different about myself, or others, or the world. You seriously inspire me. You are so beautiful!!!! gahh!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! HBD!!!!

2) Idk man. I told you i'd try. I promised you I would!!! But you make it really hard. I'm not sure if it's because you don't want to talk... or if you just can't be bothered (like you always say)... but our friendship is drifting... and it's making me sad. And I keep thinking.............. What if I had made the wrong choice? What if I had the right choice? Idk man. I really don't anymore. I keep saying things to you but it's all becoming meaningless now. Sigh.

3) You are extremely cute. But you're taken. HAHAHAHA dead.... that wave... ahhhhhhh. ballsacks.

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these things are so  much easier said in my head...


..gjsigjsiojgosjgsiojgsijg


night. 

It's kinda sad to know that whatever you do, nothing will change. The inevitable, unchangeable and uncontrollable truth. Sad...